3/7/25

We’ve got a lot to address so please, get comfortable. Usually around this time in the semester I’d be losing my fire, but recently, for a number of reasons, I feel like I have new life. Spring is on the horizon. I beat another bitter Winter, and on the other side, I think, is all the things I’ve ever wanted. Or at least, more perspective on what I already have. Nothing is impossible anymore. My last blog I was not in a good space, and I’m still not in a good space, but at least there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Let's hope it isn’t a matter of forced perspective. 

Life is not perfect, ever perfect, but everything is starting to fall into place for me now. Besides the natural course of success, I’ve finally got the opportunity to make history. I cannot tell you the who what when where why how, but when it happens you’ll know. 

The Oscars have me feeling especially hopeful. I know Hollywood is full of bad business practices and terrible people, but I still enjoy the pageantry of award season. Maybe that makes me a part of the problem, so be it. I really want to win an Oscar one day, or at least be nominated. Awards are meaningless blah blah blah, it’s still nice to have a tangible sign of your hard work and achievements. There’s a lot I want in this world really, and somehow it all feels possible. I don’t consider myself a victim of Seasonal Affective Disorder, but maybe more sun has been good for me.

My friends too are all going through so many things. I’ve gotten to see and hear from people from back home, and they’re doing well for themselves. My college friends are all walking down branching paths, all making progress towards their chosen fates. Everything is singing in harmony, at least in my little world. But I know elsewhere, fire quite literally rains from the sky. It is a scary time in America. I was reading Keats’ The Second Coming this afternoon, and trying to find a purpose in this era of politics. Decades of progress in America are being undone because we’ve let the wrong people gain too much traction. That isn’t to say one party is better than another, they each have good and bad members, and no one person or group is to fault either. Division and ignorance are our biggest problems, and they will kill us if we let them. IF we let them. 

Keats wrote that “The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere the ceremony of innocence is drowned; The best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity.” The best of us have to keep our heads high, and keep doing what we do best, because the alternative is letting the worst of us dismantle all it is that we love. Things will never be perfect, but they can sure as hell get horrible if we let them. Every act not taken is a message sent, and even if you can only move the world around you, you must bring peace where it can be accepted. 

For a while I wrote because I enjoyed writing, and then I found out how much power words can have, and the last few months, my purpose on this Earth is so much more important than I could have ever imagined. Even if I have to be the last bastion of truth, emotion, creativity, and unity, I will die doing what I love. I never thought I could move the world. There’s still a part of me that doesn’t. But I look to the sky at night and see my destiny painted in the stars. I’ve done so much with myself already, created so much, met so many people, and it isn’t even halfway over.

These past few weeks I thought I was powerless. I was wrong. I was so wrong. I change the world every morning, I make it better everyday. I can see it, even today, shaping itself into something beautiful under the weight of my hand. Believing in one's own ability is a strength in itself, and I believe I have the power to take it as far as possible. A lot of the time I feel all alone, but one day I’ll get where I’m going. I know it. I believe in John Street.

Let joy be the goal that excites you, and hate be the gas that you guzzle. And watch The Substance, the symbolism in every inch of that movie is incredible. Fantastic writing all the way through, even if I thought the ending was a bit gratuitous. That narrative could only ever end ugly though. Goodnight. 

“I’m free to decide, free to decide, and I’m not so suicidal after all,”

Free To Decide - The Cranberries

3/2/25

Everything feels dull and complicated recently. There is no salvation, just demand. I’m starting to think that success doesn’t exist, there’s just the perpetuation of what worked before. It doesn’t really get you anywhere in the end. There’s almost nothing to aspire to. And while that hopelessness does live in me, I can’t help but feel I’m meant to be doing something greater than what I’m currently doing.  There are times when rage is the only emotion that matters, and if I don’t breathe every minor inconvenience will consume me. Being unique is terrible. Someone has poisoned me, and there is no cure, only action. I wish I knew how to live a different life, but all I have is chaos and progress. One of my professors told me recently that I’m doing a dance, warding off my ruin by just a hair. I’m not secure, I’m not moving forward. Everything is honestly terrible right now. I only feel safe when I’m in my bed. Everything else is a distraction. This isn’t pessimism, loneliness and sadness are truths. There’s nothing wrong with honesty, and honestly, for everyone's benefit I think I need to disappear for a bit. That may not be possible, but it’s what I need. I’m just tired of trying.