11/23/24

The first snowfall of the year just happened in Chicago. I feel like Fall is always overshadowed by the coming Winter. After Halloween, the anticipation of Christmas steals any further thunder the season could have. I think we need to allow ourselves to linger for longer. 

I wrote a poem yesterday lashing out at someone who hasn’t responded to my texts in two weeks, and the next day Kendrick Lamar dropped GNX. I feel that means a lot. I think hate is a very valid emotion and a healthy thing to feel. I personally dislike a lot of people. Being polite is a performance, if you think something is stupid, ridiculous, or otherwise not worth your time you should feel comfortable enough in your opinion to say that. What motivates that hate is often the problem with people. Like, racism/sexism/misogyny/homophobia isn’t a valid form of hate, but if someone is terrible at their job and stupid then by all means, crash out. You’ve gotta allow yourself to hate something sometimes. 

My problem is that recently I’ve been seething with rage, which is why I wrote the poem. I was gonna crash out over the phone but my therapist (my friend Lebron) told me that I’m better than that and for whatever reason I believed him. All this anger is tearing me down, and I’ve been trying my hardest to move on, but it bothers me how easy it is for people to walk away from me. I’m just here one day and gone the next; it makes no difference to them. I want very badly to know what I did wrong. I’m afraid this is the second time I’ll be left without an answer. If you’re her and you’re reading this, fuck you.

I’ve been homesick recently. That’s not something I ever thought I’d say in my life. I miss the days when I could step out the door and walk myself in circles around the same cracks and curves. I miss living down the street from my best friend. I really took that for granted. After I graduated high school I always imagined I would be across the country, showing myself to the work, and letting Hammond burn in my memory. But for the first time since I’ve graduated I want to go back. I’m spending my brief Thanksgiving break there, just to feel like stillness still exists. Like I’m not a director and a resident assistant and an editor and writer and whatever whatever whatever. For a little bit, I’d like to just be the oldest son.

The more I eat Cheez-its the more I like them. It’s a cheese flavor but it’s not overbearing or artificial like Cheetos or something. They’re light and not too salty. It’s perfect you cannot lose. Unless you’re lactose intolerant. Then you can lose. I hope yall are enjoying the cold, I know I will be. Gloomy winter playlist on the way. I’m gonna go do some homework, yall have a good night. And listen to that new Kendrick it’s fire.

“I hate a bitch that's hatin' on a bitch and they both hoes. I hate a nigga hatin' on them niggas and they both broke. If you ain't coming for no chili, what you come for? Nigga feel like he entitled 'cause he knew me since a kid. Bitch, I cut my granny off if she don't see it how I see it,”

”tv off” - Kendrick Lamar